Let's File It Under "B" for "Boring"...

The updates have been few and far between in these here parts. While three days is not my record for not updating this space of mine, compared to my prolific updating in the last couple of weeks, it's borderline scandalous.

The truth is, nothing interesting has happened to me. Nothing even worthy of "altering" to seem more interesting. I can't make a story about getting burned by popcorn oil seem more interesting than it is. Unless of course, that oil happened to be emitting gamma radiation, mutating me into a copyright-infringing version of the Hulk™. So instead of writing a semi-witty/semi-humorous/semi-sane post, I'll give you one nugget of wisdom from the ol' Dave-meister.

Popcorn burns, indigestion and lack of sleep are not interesting topics for a good blog.

That is all. What more do you want from me? I don't owe you anything. (Except Rob. I'll have your money soon)



Music that is good:
Franz Ferdinand - "Do You Want To",
Kanye West - "Gold Digger"
Movie that is good:
Sin City.



Next update: Popcorn burn shaped like the pope...?

R.I.P. Chester...

We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Chester.

Chester was a great friend to any who crossed his path. Whenever anyone wanted to go have a good time, Chester was always game. No matter what activity, be it Beach Volleyball, Football or even a game of Street Basketball, he would always be ready to go. Yet regardless of how violent the games got, he managed to maintain a high level of professionalism and innocence; he always seemed to have an angelic halo above his head. He never lost his temper, and always kept his temper, even in the face of Furious Ming, Tiger Woods or even Roy Jones Jr.

For the last month, Chester was sick. His best friend, Dave, had betrayed him and led him astray. Dave kept pushing him to more and more dangerous heights, until Chester was no longer what he once was. The wonderful being he once was became an evil, ill-tempered beast. Refusing to do any kind of work, he sat in his basement and slept, occaisionally awakened by Dave only to act up and freak out on him. He kept getting sicker, but by then we had already begun to suspect that Chester's time would come soon.

It did. Earlier this afternoon at approximately 7:30 pm MST, the light in Chester went out for the last time.

But he would not have wanted us to grieve for him, he would have wanted us to live on. He gave us the courage to do things we had never done before; to break boundaries and become all that we could be. It was his call of duty. So as we lay him to rest today, we remember not Chester in his last days, lights blinking red and green; We remember when he would glow a solid green, to let us know that all was right in the world. We don't remember his temper tantrums, but instead his ability to play Super Nintendo and Gameboy Advance roms. And no matter what happens, we'll always remember his last words.



Please Contact Microsoft Support.



We remember Chester, the X-Box.



See you later buddy, I guess you've given your last Dirty Disc Error.









Chester
Console system, DVD player, Friend.
2003-2005.

(Note: I subconsciously stole this idea from Chris Laver. Sorry Chris, I guess you actually taught ME how to both rock -and- roll.)

Rampant Failure of a Post Ep.I - Interview with a Jackass.

The Idea: Message random people on my MSN list and pretend they're being interviewed.
The Result: The single worst waste of an hour in the history of time-wasting.



Exhibit A: *Due to personal request, this part has been removed.*

Besides, if you're reading this, you're wasting your time right now. Go do something productive.

Exhibit B: Geoff Tan.
Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says:Welcome to the show, Mr. Tan. How goes the World of Warcraft Realm?
ricefarmer - PSP is so hot says:errrrrr
ricefarmer - PSP is so hot says:training to be a game master or what
Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says:Haha, you are too funny Mr. Tan. Any updates on the X-box project of 2005?
ricefarmer - PSP is so hot says:nope
ricefarmer - PSP is so hot says:you pwned that xbox good
ricefarmer - PSP is so hot says:not sure if i can fix it
Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says:(I hope you've noticed my flagrant whoring of my Blog by putting the address in my MSN name) Haha. What kind of a moron would fry his own X-box?
ricefarmer - PSP is so hot says:fried isn't the right term
ricefarmer - PSP is so hot says:the file system is just broken
ricefarmer - PSP is so hot says:there is no physical damage
Conversation degenerates into x-box talk. until...
Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says:Speaking of Soda, have you tried the new Crush Sour Apple?
ricefarmer - PSP is so hot says:no
ricefarmer - PSP is so hot says:how is it
Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says:Its good.
At which point I can only assume Geoff has become fed up with my Antics and stopped bothering to read or respond to my messages anymore.

Summary: I miss my X-Box.


Exhibit C: Parts of everyone else.
Some of the more memorable quotes during this whole experiment:


Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says:Hello Mei, I'm glad you could make it all they way from Toronto for the show. I really appreciate it.
mei - what's going on!?!? says:Hahaha strange man
Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says:Thank you. You're a very bizarre lady.
mei - what's going on!?!? says:aahaha shudduuuupppp
mei - what's going on!?!? says:i eenjoy ur blogs! hehehe
mei - what's going on!?!? says:ok i
mei - what's going on!?!? says:m going to sleep
mei - what's going on!?!? says:but u can talk to pat
mei - what's going on!?!? says:he is using my cputer
mei - what's going on!?!? says:GNITE!!!
Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says:alright
Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says:what's up pat
No Response.

Summary: My friends no longer want to talk to me.



Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says: So I hear you're a sunday school teacher now. What is that like?
leah.. says: hahah
leah.. says: uh... good.. a little stressful sometimes..
leah.. says: why are you acting like that?
Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says: har har, we both know the only qualified actor here is Brad Pitt.
leah.. says: omg yorue so weird

Summary: omg, I'm so weird.


Dave - http://davespace5k.blogspot.com/ says: Welcome to the show, Daniel. How does it feel to be related to one of the most handsome men in the world?
dann says: Leave me alone.

Summary: My brother has officially become cooler than me.

I Hate 18 Year Olds...

I was looking through some old CDs that I had found in a shoebox under my desk and found a backup CD full of my old documents from a few years ago. I managed to find most of my old blog entries back when I was a not-so-fresh faced lad out of high school.

But the problem was.. well, you can see for yourself what the problem was. I dug up a post I made 3 years ago almost to the day. So without further ado, here it is:

(Editor's Note: These will appear throughout the post as Dave at 21 critiquing Dave at 18. They did not appear with the original post.)


Late Night with Dave Episode 9: Them Crazy Asians
Asians - or AzNs as some pubescent and mildly retarded asian people like to type - are a strange group of people. While I don't appreciate AzN pride in any way, shape or form, (Editor's Note: For not liking "AzN" pride, you seem to use the word AzN a lot.) I do have a bit of a morbid fascination with it. What can we truly be proud about? Let's have a look, shall we?

Asians were the first intelligent monkey-men. (Editor's Note: where the fuck did this idea come from? I can't believe I actually found an article about this.) This should come as a surprise to few. How many times have you been jealous of that one nerdy asian kid with the suspenders who sits in front of you and gets 100% on every math exam? Never, for me, because I was that asian kid. (Though I assure you, I only wear suspenders now for special occasions.) (Editor's Note: Just so you know, I've never worn suspenders in my life, I failed both Math 31 and 113, and I don't think I've ever gotten 100% in anything.) But is this something that you, an asian, can truly be proud of? If so, you're fucking retarded. were you around 45 million years ago? Have you ever met an 45 million year old asian monkey? I'm pretty sure most of those monkeys at Joint aren't 45 million years old. they can barely pull off 18. The point is, how can you be proud of something you had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with? So what if korea came close to winning the world cup? why are you celebrating? Did you help train them? Did you sponsor them? you didn't even grow ONE grain of the 50 tons or rice they've eaten in their boring, japanese-cloned lives. Fuck koreans. (Editor's Note: Wow.)

Asian Men cannot and SHOULD not grow facial hair. (Editor's Note: Haha, showed you..) No matter how much we want to. That dirty stache you had when you started going through puberty notwithstanding, you will never be able to grow noticable facial hair. Don't get me wrong, I wish I could grow a goatee. A REAL one. But it's not to be. I grow 3 hairs on my face. LONG hairs. hairs that curl and envelop my face. It's quite remarkable actually.

Asian Women don't age. Lets face it. that cute chick on the street? could be 35 for all you know. (Editor's Note: MILF!) them asian ladies look like they did as teens, with a curly perm-fro. On the surface this is a good thing. you could have a 39 year old wife who looks as youthful as ever. But there's a catch, which i'll define as my second Davfinition (Editor's Note: Davfinition? what the fuck was I on?):Asian Shrivel, The - a condition present in most asian females which causes massive wrinkling and rapid aging around 40 years of age.As soon as the big 4-0 hits, that face shrivels up faster than a salt water fish in fresh water (PLEASE tell me someone understands that analogy). (Editor's Note: Considering the analogy is in reverse, I would hope not.) then you're left with a raisin who nags and yells at people in their native language.

I wish i had more to write about, but i didn't know what i was getting into. I thought i could make this intellectual, but i gave up after the first one. (Editor's Note: Or you gave up before you even started.) Goddamn i'm sick. I'm off to drink some neo citran.

-----

Well, that was terrible. Hopefully I've matured as a person as much as I feel I have as a writer. The writing in this post was juvenile, and I used a shitload of words that I barely understood in order to seem intelligent. I used racism and angry ranting as a substitute for humor, not realizing that the only people who would find it funny were people that were as immature as I was. After reading this over I came to a realization.

I don't hate asian people anymore.



But I do hate 18 year olds.



Weekly Recommendations:
Music: MADDEN 06
Why: Shut up. Go play Madden.

Movies: MADDEN 06
Why: Why are you still here?

A Dog Bit My Foot Today...

Day 5 of this miraculous wondervirus I've contracted. Why is it a wondervirus you ask?

I'll chart the evolution of this stupid cold/food poisoning/fever/demonspawn disease from my recollection of each of the five days I've been afflicted.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST GOES INTO SOME DETAIL ABOUT MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS. YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THE FOLLOWING IF YOU HAVE SOME RESERVATIONS ABOUT POO.

haha. I said poo.


Day 0 (Friday, August 5): Cheap Drunkeness.
After spending an hour at Original Joe's with Gugens and Dave Jang (3 daves!), I got unusually buzzed off a beer and a rye and coke. A hint of a sickness? Most people would enact some sort of countermeasures to try to prevent the onset of disease. Sleeping with heatpacks, drinking lots of fluids, sleeping in, etc.

I slept in the nude.

I ate, but didn't drink anything.

I woke up after 6 hours.

Day 1 (Saturday, August 6): Stomach Flu-ish.
I woke up to feeling an intense muscular pain. Very unusual, considering my lack of muscles. I figured it was a semi-hangover. But my head was fine and my eyes were as white as mormons. Still, I couldn't help but feel something bad was going to happen in the coming days. I had an unpleasant surprise in the bathroom later.

The Runs.

After the dam broke, my stomach was in constant upheaval. My body was threatening to expel waste either upstairs or downstairs for the entire day. And because fate has such a wonderful sense of humor, I remembered I had to be at work in about 20 minutes. I decided to shower as quick as I could, and pray my stomach would be strong enough to keep me socially acceptable.

Thankfully, I managed to get through a 6 hour shift, a birthday BBQ, and a 10 minute car ride home, to make it home in time for a prayer to the porcelain god. After I finished with that, I went to bed. I was so thankful that I didn't have to work the next day.

Little did I know, the next day would be worse...

Day 2 (Sunday, August 7): Fever.
I woke up an hour late for church. Thankfully, my bowels had settled down, no longer threatening to empty itself in an unfortunate public display. I sat down and played some Katamari Damacy (See Previous Post) while I enjoyed the most intestinal security I'd felt in about 26 hours. Once I had finished playing, I stood up, and I felt as though the inside of my watermelon sized head expanded to the size of twelve beach balls. This was a very big problem. I still had to pick up my brother from church. But I couldn't move unless I wanted my head to explode. So I played some more Katamari Damacy.

Day 3 (Monday, August 8): Fuck.
My Head still hurt, my throat got itchy, my eyes started burning and my sinuses clogged up. Barely surviving on flavored tea and kleenexes (see previous post), I managed to finish the most non-sensical rambling I'd written yet (If you haven't read the previous post yet, you really should just go read that shit first.) and to drag my ass down to work for another 6 hour shift. Hurrah.

After suffering through that hell, what did I do next? Did I go to sleep as soon as I got home? Did I get some tylenol cold to ease my pain? Halls? Fisherman's Friend?

I went to BPs and ate a shitload of tabasco.

I really am a Moron.

Day 4 (Tuesday, August 9): ...
I worked a five hour shift as soon as I woke up. The symptoms I had the day before was still pretty bad, but getting a little better. I still had trouble forming coherent thoughts, much less coherent words. After I got home, I got bitched out by the family for not being home for enough family dinners, so I stayed home until about 10 o'clock, missing the first half of Andrew's birthday. My only solace was Madden 06. mmm... Madden 06....

At 10, I went to karaoke. I think I infected everyone there.

Happy Birthday, Andrew.

Day 5 (Wednesday, August 10): The Worst Day Yet.
I think the sickness has pretty much run it's course.

My coughs are not dry anymore. They have phlegm in them.

My head no longer hurts, my poo is normal, my sinuses are clear, and my eyes aren't burning.

So why is today the worst day yet?

The Abadiano Dog bit my foot today.

I think I have Rabies.

I hate Colds.

You know how people always say, "I should really have a pen and paper handy the next time I'm high. That way, I'll know if whatever it is I'm thinking about really is that profound."

Well I'm not high. But I'm sick as a Goat.

Let the hilarities begin.


I've now drank 3 cups of apple cinnamon Tea. Before that, I had 3 cups of some weird, almost flavorless tea. It could very well have been food colouring in a teabag, for all I knew. I hope there isn't TOO much caffeine in tea. My head is starting to throb. With the amount of tea in my system, I have to go to the bathroom about every 30 minutes. but every time I stand my lazy ass up, my head explodes. This is a very big problem.

I really should shower.

Virtually everyone on my MSN list changes their font to some degree. But no one ever italicizes their font. I think I'll start doing that.

It occurs to me that I haven't eaten anything in about 27 hours. is it "feed a cold, starve a fever," or "feed a fever, starve a cold"? If anyone knows, please enlighten me.

My x-box isn't working. I'm sad.

I've been playing this incredibly strange game called "Katamari Damacy". Basically, you play a little green alien guy, whose father - who looks like an intergalactic pimp - has just destroyed all the stars in the universe. so basically, you have to go to earth, start rolling random shit up into giant balls of junk. It completely boggles my mind. you can roll up humans, cows, dogs, buildings, octopi, Godzilla, and much more. Not only that, the soundtrack is insidiously addictive. play it if you get the chance.

My head hurts. But stay tuned for my review of this post when I'm not sick anymore.

if that ever happens...