Andy Reid is the Smartest Man in Football...

Takeo Spikes?

For an inconsistent DT and a late round pick in '08?

And we get Kelly Holcomb too?

Someone in Buffalo's been smoking the J.

2007 Quarterly Report #1.

With April looming around the corner and summer (supposedly) on its way, what better time to take a brief look at the happenings of the last three months? Profits are down, net worth is down, assets are bleeding away and the upper management is the personification of incompetence. But Dave Chung is not about the money. He's all about the bitter cynicism and nerdiness. So set your phasers to "awed" and prepare to be... awed...

Best/Worst waste of time: Facebook. It's evil and insipid. And I check it thrice daily.

Honorable Mention: World of Warcraft, Blogging.

Best Purchase: 100 Bullets vol. 1-4. Yes, I'm a nerd that wastes his money on comic books. But at least I... yeah... forget it.

Honorable Mention: Hookers, Car Wash.

Most surprising celebrity death: Bam Bam Bigelow. Mainly because I thought he had died 10 years ago. I swear I remember hearing that.

Honorable Mention: Good taste, Hip hop.

Least surprising celebrity death: Anna Nicole Smith. Come on. She was on more drugs than your mom (she's got a serious problem); it was only a matter of time before she OD'd. Not saying it's a good thing, just saying it wasn't really all that surprising.

Honorable Mention: Nameless guy in red Star Trek uniform, Tony Romo's playoff hopes.

Best Movie: 300. That good? Nah, just haven't really seen anything besides that. That and I likes the leather speedoes. I also like to pluralize "speedo".

Honorable Mention: Lion Fighting with Dave.

Worst Movie: 3oo. See Above.

Honorable Mention: Lion Fighting with Dave.

Best TV Series: 24. While Heroes, Studio 60, Battlestar Galactica and House were all strong contenders in the last few months, Heroes is slowly losing steam, Studio 60 maintains a consistent but only above average level of entertainment, and House has only had two or three episodes. Between Battlestar Galactica and 24, I was afraid of what Jack Bauer would do to me if I didn't cast my vote for him.

Honorable Mention: The four shows I mentioned above, NFL Total Access.

Worst TV Series: The War at Home. Single-handedly responsible for the death of the modern sitcom. Anyone ever see the show Titus? Take that show, remove any traces of funny, and add in a whole shitload of homophobia, sexism, and that jackass from Boston Public.

Honorable Mention: Black Donnellys (I've never been more bored in the first 10 minutes of any show), Grey's Anatomy (Oh wait, I have.)

If I hear this song one more time, I'll shoot someone: My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words. Having my alarm clock set to sonic every morning sucks my balls. Don't get me wrong, My Chemical Romance isn't that bad, I like some of their stuff. But the song just drives me absolutely batshit crazy. The whiny, grating voice during the verses makes my urine turn red. Or maybe that's the gonorrhea. gyargh.

Honorable Mention: Fall Out Boy - This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race (it's getting there); Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around...

Song I'm still not sick of, even though I've listened to it enough to make a man go deaf: Sondre Lerche - Phantom Punch. I have no idea what the fuck the guy's talking about, but I can tell you one thing: I don't want to feel the Phantom Punch.

Honorable Mention: Modest Mouse - Dashboard, Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby.

Best NFL Off-season Move: New England Patriots signing Adalius Thomas. A monsterous 270 pound player who can play DL, LB, SS, FS and CB, this guy is easily the best player on the market this year, and pretty much guarantees the Pats as one of the top four teams in the NFL again.

Honorable Mention: Denver Broncos signing Dre Bly, Atlanta letting suspected Rape-assister Pat Kerney go.

Dumbest NFL Off-season Move: San Francisco 49ers signing Michael Lewis. As a rabid Philadelphia Eagles fan, I can testify to Lewis's ineptitude in coverage. Sure, he stops the run well, but he consistently gets burned when the pass goes deep. He either draws a PI call, or is so far behind the play that it's already too late.

Honorable Mention: 49ers paying Nate Clements 80mil/8 years. The richest contract for a defensive player ever, given to a guy who was a standout player in a REALLY shitty secondary.

Best Reason to live in Parents' Basement: No rent, biatch.

Honorable Mention: Farting at own leisure, pasty video-game non-tan.

Worst Reason to live in Parents' Basement: Total chick repellent. Sob.

Honorable Mention: Spiders, Boogeymen.

And last, but not least,

Handsomest, Wittiest, Sexiest and most Virile man: He's also incredibly modest, so I - I mean - he didn't want to write his name in his own well-written blog. But if any of you beautiful ladies want to get into contact with this mountain of manliness, I know for a fact that he'd be interested.

Honorable Mention: Jack Bauer.

Thank God I'm an Eagles Fan...

Noteworthy commentary from esteemed members of the online community:

Reinhard, footballoutsiders.com: Holy crap, abused.

Acezfullxx, youtube.com: This nigger sucks dog.

Eman5805, youtube.com: Why is the vid playing the Xena theme?

Mitch Cumstein, footballoutsiders.com: Kwame Harris had a bad career last season.